Friends 101

Even as a 28-year-old mother of two I am still learning about friendships and relationships and realizing more with each year how little I knew in the first place...

As a kid who got moved around a lot, I would literally wish on every first star I could that I would have some real friends. Maybe if I were more outgoing, I thought, I would have an easier time making friends. Maybe if I were prettier, skinnier (yes, these thoughts already entered my seven-year-old self-conscious mind), or if I had a normal family (because at that time divorced parents weren't the "norm" yet, or at least didn't seem like it to me). Just when I thought I had finally made it into a group, we moved again. And I was the "new girl"...again.

Like most kids, I just wanted to fit in, maybe even be popular. But it's not until adulthood that I've realized how to do it. And finally I don't care about those things anymore.

Having friends, and self confidence, are still important and I hope my kids won't suffer from the insecurities I had growing up. I think that what has surprised me the most is that everyone else is just as insecure as me, and if they don't act like it it's only because they are really good fakers. And that! is the key to confidence...you just fake it!

I think another part of friendships to remember too is that there are so many different kinds of friends. And it's okay to label them (in your mind) and remember the limitations of each of those friendships.
Here are some examples:

     Work Friend: This could be one or many, they are your work confidante-you get to bitch about your life because they don't know any of the people you are talking about and therefore are "safe," you might take breaks together at Starbucks-taking turns buying each other a coffee, trade shifts to help each other out, even meet up on days off for lunch or shopping-although the topics of conversation always go back to work. But there is usually an expiration date on these friends. For me, many expired after I had a baby and my young, single friends just disconnected from me. But on the brighter side, I gained new "mommy" friends.

     Mommy Friend: This could be anyone and everyone who is a mom, but typically within a 10-year age range of yourself with at least one child within a year of your own. These friendships move quickly because there is so much to talk about (how many poopy diapers do you change? cloth or disposable? how many feedings? what percentile growth? pacifier or cry it out?) and it's a friendship that can be justified through the guise of a "playdate"with many conveniences of trading babysitting and baby gear.

    Pretty Friend: She's fun, always dressed up cute so it gives you a reason to dress up cute too (girls really dress up for each other anyways, not guys, because guys won't notice all the details that we do. but we try to compliment each other in front of the guys so that maybe they will notice too). She's fun to shop with because she has cute style, and there's never awkward silence because she fill every minute talking about her exciting, but dramatic, life. Downside: makes me look less pretty (which I said I don't care about anymore, but still...), but really all the attention to making her look so good is because she feels just as insecure as me inside, but has more financial resources and puts more importance on looking good. If you are a loyal friend, she will be too. Remember, just because someone is pretty doesn't make them a bad person (although it's okay to hate them just a little for it).

     Party Friend: This is the wild girl who pushes you out of your comfort zone by either embarrassing you or making you embarrass yourself, typically done through large quantities of alcohol and the dizzying logic of drunk blondes. Lots of fun to party with...unless you remember everything you did the next day, then it's an even more miserable hangover of regret. This friend will not be looking out for your best interest, but can be a HELL of a lot of fun if you don't care about blacking out.

     Lifelong Friend: The type of friend who threatens to call your mom when you are twelve and want to go steal alcohol and get drunk in the alley. This friend, or friends if you are lucky, may disappear from your life when it's super busy, but when you reconnect it's like old times again. This friend knows everything about your past, so they understand you better than you understand yourself sometimes. This is your maid-of-honor, best friend, baby's godmother, the mother of her group of friends. She' nurturing, yet brutally honest. If you get mad at this friend, you are probably more angry with yourself for whatever they just lectured you for.

     Constant Complainer: This one is the only kind that I advise letting go of. These are like emotional leeches. They complain about the same thing every time they see you because you are the only one who is nice enough to listen and put up with their negativity. While you might feel compassionate at first, within a few weeks you will realize this is going nowhere. Your advice will not be taken, which will probably be telling them to see a therapist. And be careful if you dare invite them over because they will NEVER leave! I fell asleep on the couch with one of them over and they stayed until like 3 am until I woke up and told them to leave.

With all of these friendships it's important to never let yourself off the hook. Think about: what more could I have done or put into that friendship to make them feel important and special? and Is it worth it? Let's face it, it's a give and take deal so the trade-off has to be worth it. But be careful to jump to judgements, because sometimes people come off as snobs but they are really just shy and end up being super cool if you just step out of your comfort zone and say "Hi," really it's not as hard as it seems to be friendly and outgoing.