Ew! Warts!

Okay, so this is totally gross but somebody has to talk it about it. It all started with one little mosquito bite sized bump on my right knuckle. It didn't bother me. Didn't itch. I thought, Maybe it doesn't itch because it's on a knuckle. Then another popped up on the other hand on the joint on my middle finger this time. After a few weeks I had what almost seemed like little clusters of bumps on four different knuckles and joints on both hands.

I felt like a leper. I wanted to hide until they went away, or hide them when I had to go out. I started rubbing various oils and ointments on them to make them disappear. I even asked my Orthopedic doctor about them, wondering if they were indeed warts, since I had gratefully never had any before. I know, I know, Orthopedists/Dermatologists, whatever, I was dealing with limited insurance options here and I figured this guy was smart enough to distinguish a wart. He assured me they were NOT warts, but probably just bug bites or even eczema.

But they wouldn't go away. So I treated them with everything I could think of I put Neosporin on them. Cortisone. Diaper cream. Windex. Olive oil. Baby powder. Aloe vera. Cream. Nail polish Then I made the mistake of Googling home remedies. With the plethora of options available online I decided I must try to file these down, even though they didn't have the gross cauliflower-like crust of common warts, and then attack them with salicylic acid. Aha! I had my plan!

Well, I probably don't have to tell you that my plan did NOT go well. The file I chose was one of those rough heel file scraper things, and it was much too abrasive for my sensitive hands. A sensible person might have stopped because of that. Not me. I clenched my teeth and just filed away at the nodules on my knuckles. Not an easy task, if I didn't make that clear already.

Then, to follow up, I went to the local pharmacy and picked up some salicylic acid pads and official wart-concealing pads which I applied to my now scratched up bumps. At this point, I am hiding my hands from everyone by keeping them in my lap, palms up, or under a sweater, or with my long sleeves pulled down over them. I didn't want people to see the bumps and bandages and wonder if I am diseased. Because that's exactly what I wonder every time I see someone with an anonymous rash or strange bumps.

Nothing was working. So, I hesitantly dragged myself to the doctor. This was a new doctor, so I figured I could face her with little embarrassment since she didn't know me. And the doctor was very nice to me. Until she saw my hands. She immediately put gloves on. Uh oh, this can't be good.

She continues to tell me, well, many things actually, but most of it went over my head. Whether it was the accent, or the fact that I was now forty minutes late to my class that was across campus and sweating like a middle-aged man driving a Buick, all I understood was this:

warts don't have to look like nasty cauliflower to be warts, they can also be flesh colored bumps, like mine. And she could easily freeze them off right then and there. But...

Mine look quite red and inflamed, which is unusual. I fidgeted and tried to make up some lame excuse like, Well I sort of scraped this knuckle on the wall the other day and the weather has made them so very dry. Why couldn't I just tell her the truth? That I had done this. I had turned them into these bright red beasts because I was trying to get rid of them myself. Instead, I asked her if One might be able to get rid of One's warts through means of drug store salicylic acid patches. To my utter dismay and inner embarrassment, she gave me a firm No.

However, if the dermatologist she is referring me to confirms they are warts, then she is happy to do the procedure. Or if the redness goes away she will do it. Shit. I want them gone today. I had sabotaged myself! Now I have to nurture and heal my warts so they can look like warts and I can get that doctor to freeze them off!